


Dear Dan (Phan)

by thegirlwholikestowrite



Category: Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, DUI, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, car crash, eulogy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 02:21:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3793009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwholikestowrite/pseuds/thegirlwholikestowrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil was there at the wrong place at the wrong time. A drunk driver hit him, and he died in dans arms. Dan has to give a eulogy. Will he be able to get through this without Phil?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Dan (Phan)

Dan wasn't coping well with Phil's death.  
He thought he could.  
But he wasn't.  
Who was he kidding, of course he wouldn't.  
It was Phil after all.  
His Phil.  
He was the boy he had seen that day at the train station, he was the boy he hugged so tight that the world seemed blank for hours, he was the boy he loved.  
But now he was just the boy who was dead.  
Dan wasn't coping at all.  
One irreversible mistake had taken Phil from him. Eternally.  
And he hated every part of it  
Hated the part that Phil didn't want to die.  
Hated the part that Phil should have had more time to be happy. To be with him.  
Hated the part that his blood soaked into his shirt on the cold concrete while dan wept under the street light.  
Hated the part that no one stopped to help them.  
Hated the fact Phil was gone.  
He hated the guy who was driving under influence. He hated the guy who took Phil from him. He hated everyone and everything.  
Mostly he hated himself  
Hated himself for not telling him how much he mattered before he was in his arms.  
Dying.  
He had watched as the light left Phils eyes.  
He had watched while he died.  
He had watched his world fall apart  
He had seen Phils bright blue eyes under the streetlight one last time.  
One last time.  
Now he wasn't even looking.  
It had been almost a week.  
He had to write his eulogy.  
Phil deserved that much  
No  
Phil deserved more  
Phil deserved more time to live  
It wasn't fair.  
Dan broke into a sob. With each tear he broke apart more.  
He tore apart everything  
Broke all the CDs  
Ripped all the posters down  
Destroyed his mugs  
Then found himself shuddering under Phils covers, clutching the picture frame of Phil, smiling at dan in front of YouTube. The smell of PHIL washed over him.  
He took in as much as he could. As much as his lungs could hold.  
He would never get to hear his voice again.  
Never get to look at him once again.  
Never get to tell him he loved him  
Never get to play games with him on the couch.  
Never get to watch stupid movies with him  
Never get to wait for him to wake up So they could have breakfast together.  
Never get to see his laugh again.  
It hurt.  
It hurt like shit.  
Phil was gone and dan was fading away.  
His sobs slowed.  
He let go of the metal frame, staring at the cuts it left behind.  
He spent the rest of the week perfecting his eulogy.  
Watching their videos  
Looking at how happy and full of life they both were.  
Now Phil was dead  
And Dan was in constant state of holding back tears.  
His throat hurt.  
His eyes hurt.  
His heart hurt.  
Everything hurt and Phil was gone  
He wouldn't have anyone to who steal his cereal anymore  
He wouldn't have someone to laugh with.  
No one  
Dan was alone without Phil.  
That was the truth  
And There was no denying how much that truth hurt  
He was finally done with it  
He dressed up as Well as he could.  
He hopelessly Tried to hide his sleepless eyes ,Tried to hide his tears  
He knew he was failing miserably but he tried.  
For Phil  
Phil's parents had asked for something Phil really liked, so they could use it at the ceremony.  
He locked his phone and put it into his back pocket.  
He remembered what Phil said about his coffin, about pumping the smell of extreme Easter nests in it. How annoyed Dan had been.  
He couldn't help but smile  
This was how it would be.  
He would remember something Phil had done ,something Phil had said, and either he would break down crying or smile helplessly.  
He roamed around his room, not knowing what to pick.  
His eyes landed on the small plush lion.  
He caught a whine at the back of his throat.  
He loved that thing more than he loved me, he thought, ignoring the glimpses of sunlight seeping from the tightly drawn curtains, he picked up the small toy.  
As his hand brushed the small furry toy, a white envelope fell out  
It was titled as Dear Dan, Phil's curvy handwriting illuminated the white shiny paper  
He picked it up.  
It wasn't high quality paper, Phil had obviously made it himself from A4 computer paper. Like everything he did, he had put effort into this too.  
His chest ached.  
He also put effort into not dying.  
Dan shook out of his thoughts and began unfolding it. Phil had written three pages.  
What could he possibly have to say to dan, that filled three pages?  
Dan sat on Phils bed hesitantly, where they had taken more videos than he could count  
The spot where Phil usually sat, was empty.  
He put his hand on the bright blue bed duvet Phil had chosen, trying to keep it warm as if Phil was coming back.  
Phils handwriting always made him smile, in comparison to his perfectionist and pretentious lettering, Phils looked like words from an intoxicated eighty year old with shaky hands.  
This time that wasn't the case, his black ink flew perfectly, leaving a trace of curvy handwriting of Phils.  
Dan Didn't feel like laughing.  
He started reading. 

Dear Dan,  
I hope you found this before I couldn't keep my mouth shut and told you in person. You know how impatient I am. So if I did, you might just stop reading now.  
I know I am not like you, not articulate enough to string the words needed for me to explain this well enough.  
I tried to fix my handwriting for you. You know how much I suck at it  
So here we go.  
There are approximately 1,809,373 words in English. And I will probably fail to put them together to tell you how much you mean to me.  
Daniel James Howell, thank you for being my best friend.  
I never thought that I would have somebody to count on, somebody who was willing to fight for me, who was willing to take on the world with me, thank you.  
You are the most important person in my life and I owe you more than you think.  
I hope what I am about to say does not affect our friendship in any way. Because Dan, I am so frightened that it might. I am terrified that you might leave me.  
So you might not ever find this, not ever find out about my feelings towards you.  
I am rambling now, sorry.  
You are my friend and you are next to me in my life. Whatever I say, whatever I do, I hope that never changes.  
I hope you never change.  
Because the person you are right now is the person that I love.  
I love you, Daniel Howell.  
Since the moment I laid eyes on you, you never left my mind.  
And it seems you aren't leaving my heart either.  
I can't help it. Every little thing you do makes me love you more and if what you need is time I am willing to wait more than a thousand years.  
I would wait for you.  
And I am aware that how I feel about you is not something I can change about myself. It is a wound that will never stop hurting, maybe.  
But it's a good kind of hurt. Looking at you everyday, watching you, seeing how happy you are is enough for me. And I am not regretting falling in love with you.  
You are a part of me  
And no one can blame me for loving myself, right? You taught me that.  
The kind of love I have towards you seemed to be brotherly at first. Then we told the world we would not leave each other's side till death does apart. So when my feelings did a backflip and completely blinded me to anything other than you, I hope you are still there with me.  
We have a life to live, a world to explore. And i don't want to do it without you.  
I want to live the rest of my life with you. I want to be with you despite everything.  
I need you by my side, I want you by my side. And I hope the next time we watch a movie on our couch, I hope you will hold my hand.  
I wish I had the courage to tell you his in person, while looking at your bright brown eyes.  
I wish I could see your reaction.  
I don't doubt it.  
I know we are not just friends. Or I am being childish again. I don't know.  
All I know is that I love you, I need you and I want you.  
I hope you love me too.  
Your best friend, always will be.  
Phil Lester 

Dan no longer found it necessary to hold back his tears. He slid down with his hand grasping the papers for dear life, he pressed them to his chest  
He was afraid to cry. If he let the tears fall, he feared he wouldn't be able to stop.  
Phil had loved him back.  
Never told.  
Dan tried to stop shaking and weeping; he was staining the papers, only thing left from Phil.  
"I am sorry Phil I am sorry I was such a coward. I am sorry I couldn't tell you i loved you. I am sorry you had to die without knowing I loved you. I am so fucking sorry and I can't  
Bring you back."  
He got up. Scrambling for the closest breakable thing and hurled it at the opposite wall.  
"How the hell do you stop hurting?!"  
He got silence for an answer. Sitting back on the bed, he pressed his hands to his temples.  
It hurt.  
It hurt so goddamn much.  
"How the hell do you stop this?"  
His voice came out like a quiet whisper. The pain and the loud ringing in his ears quieted him.  
He was hurt.  
He sought comfort.  
Phil wasn't here to provide that.  
He wasn't here to put his hand on Dan's shoulder and speak quietly until Dan down.  
Phil was not impatient.  
He was the most patent and calm person dan had ever known.  
"You would have been a great father" he mumbled, smiling sadly at the thought.  
He curled up, letting go of the papers as they brushed his fingertips. He pulled his knees to his chest  
The thunder of pain had stopped.  
Now it was a quiet drizzle.  
"I don't know what to do without you by my side. I don't know how."  
After almost an hour of quiet tears and countless missed calls,  
He got up.  
He was late.  
He ran. It was raining and he was getting soaked and it was cold and dark but he didn't care.  
As he ran inside the church, everyone turned around to face him.  
If it was before, he would have been embarrassed to death. Only his jacket and tie to cover him up as dark clothing, he walked down next to Phils mom.  
He face was stained with tears and she didn't seem to mind dans dripping shirt as he embraced her in a tight hug.  
They both cried.  
They both couldn't stop.  
Through his tears, he heard her whispering.  
"Everyone waited for you Dan. He woudknt have wanted anybody else."  
Dan swallowed thickly.  
The paper in his back pocket felt heavy.  
He handed the small lion to her and walked up the stairs.  
He was wet, and probably looked horrible. His eyes red, his tie loose around his neck, his shirt wrinkled.  
Phil wouldn't mind.  
Phil doesn't mind, he whispered to himself. He loves me.  
His eyes searched for a familiar face in the crowd. As they landed on PJ, He started speaking.  
"Uh... I am sorry. I am running a little bit late. I had stuff.. To take care of."  
He breathed deeply, seeing the sad smile on PJ's face.  
"We are here to..." His voice broke " I am sorry I can't..."  
He saw Phil's mom walking up to him, patting his back and saying he didn have to do this. He tried to assure her that he was fjne, forcing a smile through his tears.  
"You are my son too Dan. I won't force you to do anything. "  
" I am fine Mrs.Lester. Really. Thank you. For everythig."  
She nodded apprehensively as he turned back to the crowd.  
"Phil was... Well an amazing person as you all know. And I won't lie, he was my everything. My life my heart my soul my eternity. One simple glance to his way and you would know what I mean.  
He was bright.  
He was my sun. And his light often reflected from me. So if you saw a smile on my face, it was probably because of Him.  
We met on the Internet. I was going through some... Bad stuff through my life and when I met him, everything was suddenly better, brighter.  
He made my world worth living.  
He showed me ways to be happy and make others happy.  
He was childish and giggly and he had the power to make me smile with a single word.  
He was beautiful and he was thoughtful. He made you think. He made you figure out that the world wasn't so bad after all.  
It's not so bad.  
I mean there are people who risk other's lives for a simple buzz of alcohol, and there are wars and hunger and disaster and evil. And people die. But there is also people like Phil. Who make this world a better place, simply their existence. But now...-Fuck, sorry"  
He wasn't helping himself. He wiped his eyes and cleared his throat. He knew he had to say more. He forced himself to say more.  
"There are people in this world, that sometimes you think the universe was meant to be seen by their eyes. Those deep blue eyes of his saw what we couldn't see. He saw the smile on people's faces. And he wanted more of that.  
Phil Lester, was an incredible person with incredible dreams and Oh God... I wish he had more time.  
He deserved more time.  
He deserved to see the effect he left on people, how he made things better for everyone.  
I relied on him. Not just for simple things like cooking dinner I depended on him for my happiness. And I owe him everything good about my life.  
We shared so many memories. So many, they are not even close to being enough. But I am thankful for all of them.  
Thank you Phil Lester, for showing me love exists and you can keep going despite everything.  
Thank you Phil Lester, for everything.  
I am not scared to tell the world anymore. I know I am late. And I know I should have said it before.  
I am in love with Phil Lester.  
I miss him. And I probably will for the rest of my life.  
He put a smile on my face today, I hope he does the same to all of you.  
Thank you."  
He slept without nightmares that night.  
For once.  
He didn't dream about Phil dying, blood, the loud screech of the tires, the bright street light.  
He had slept well.  
And when he woke up, he knew a world without Phil awaited him.  
And he was ready to face it.


End file.
